I am wondering about so many people (including marriage counsellors) advising people to "get out of an abusive relationship".  In my opinion, aggression may be a symptom of something else.  It is, therefore, not a personality trait, or is it?  Does this mean that it cannot be treated and that the person, therefore, will be aggressive forever.

Surely, with love, support and counselling an aggressive person can change?  Yes, I've read the newspaper articles of people who did not leave in time and suffered the consequences.  But surely, not all of the relationships end in a tragedy, or do they?

Have you had any success with treating patients like this?

I sincerely apologise if what I am going to say is in some sense inappropriate. My wondering is if there is voiceless words behind your 'intellectualising' of the topic? Is there perhaps someone that you love that is abusive? Is it perhaps a longing, a desperate clinging onto hope that "an aggressive person can change" because you love someone that struggles with aggression? Please do know that I do not expect you to answer this...I am leaving it open for you to do with it what you choose.

Kind regards

cats,

You pose a few questions that are indeed very difficult to answer...without disappointing someone.  I too wonder if your questions are referring to your own story?

No matter what the problem.......no relationship can survive fulfillingly/adequetely/constructively etc etc if both parties do not tango together (ie:  they both are committed to growth together).

thus, if the "abusive" partner is confronted with his/her behaviour and the person is not able/willing to acknowledge the impact of the behaviour...this can be seen as a red flag.

Usually when repeated attempts over time are made to try and motivate someone to get help for the abusive behaviour & such attempts fail (and the abuse simply continues and/or gets worse), would one recommend a split

It is often difficult for the sufferers of an abusive partner to acknowledge that they deserve better treatment by their partner.  So, they choose to stay and endure the abuse.  However, if you recognise that it is wrong and that something needs to be done......then see if the partner is willing to tango!!!!

If not.....what you do next is completely your choice.

Good luck

Hello CATS

I completely agree with jwtaylor and Invisible and I do dare to assume that you are talking about your own situation. If so, I have a question... Is this your first abusive relationship or has there been others before this one e.g your father, or previous boyfriends. The reason I ask is to see if there is some kind of pattern that might lead to your need to accept, assist, change someone that you are in an abusive relationship with...

I read this post and replies with great interest.  I believe that is possible to overcome aggression, through therapy and support, if it was me that need to 'get fixed'.  But one cannot change another being - the decision ultimately lays only within that person to firstly acknowledge that negative emotion, embrace it and make the sacrifices required to fix it.

My marriage ended as a result of abuse by my ex-husband who I never - in a million years - thought could be so verbally (and eventually physically) abusive towards me.  After two years or so years of talking and suggesting and compromising, the penny dropped when I thought 'but my kids have to go through this' and that's when I realised that in staying in the relationship made me an abuser of my children, because what message am I sending?  That it was okay for the type of treatment we had to endure ... definitely not!

I was willing to go for counselling, therapy and whatever else it would have taken to hopefully clear up the 'mess' but a bicycle doesn't function on one round wheel and square wheel ...