Dear reader

A bit of background - I am divorced with 2 daughters (19 and 11).  I still try to maintain a good relationship with my ex (not that it always work).  My 11 year old is now in grade 6 and just about every month or new term, we have the 'fresh start ahead' talk.  Just last Monday (day before school started) we had a lengthy talk - her standard of work dropped considerably to my surprise because it's always, yes mum - I am test/exam ready!  My response 90% of the time 'just remember, it will show in the results'

So last week we were turning over a new leaf.  On my request, she prepared a time-management schedule, I cut out all her favourite dstv shows (like your Hannah Montana's, Suite Life ..., etc) during the week, bedtime moved to 8.30 (no questions asked), etc. etc. etc.  She did admit that her 'best friend' sits next to her in Afrikaans (where she dropped by 22%) and they chat a lot but she will ask the teacher to move her.  My response was 'even if the teacher moves you to where there's no-one around you, you will make friends with that little spider you spotted on the corner of your desk and make that your best friend, eventually start chatting with it, exchange phone numbers and so again lose your concentration ... then what, blame the spider??' My point to her was that it wasn't the next person that was distracting her, it is she that needs to create an awareness of just why exactly she's in the class and what is required of her. So it was lots of yarrah, yarrah, yarrah of this sort of nature and we struck a deal.

Friday she was home - she complained of a neck pain - and, given the fact that it was extremely cold that week and she got dropped off at school at like 6.30 every morning, I could relate to the pain in her neck and let her stay home, naturally on certain conditions.

Last night - on browsing through her phone (which I in fact told I would be doing from time to time with no warning), I came across sms' between her and a friend - she asking 'did that fraction test happen on Friday?' Well, needless to say, you can imagine my shock 'I've been had, it's just been a week'. I only approached her about it today when I got home and then came another shock - this time straight from her - her Afrikaans teacher told her and this particular best friend that they would be getting ZERO for their test because they can't stop talking.  She said she insisted with the teacher that it wasn't her fault, etc. etc. and I said to her that I didn't blame the teacher because I will always say 'there's gonna come a time when you want someone to really believe you but given your past conduct, when they really must, they don't because they've been had before'.  This was clearly one such instance.

I am going to make an appointment to see all her teachers as soon as they are available for me to meet with them because I am really not happy with the situation.  I would also like to consult someone on the issues I face with her and about 2/3 years ago she had a therapist, would it be recommended to go back to the same one or find someone new?

I need to know if I am just talking too much and just trying too hard ... I asked her (on more than one occasion) ... 'just how would you like me to rear you, because whatever I try - backfires'.  And I mean, in this instance, 1 week ago we had the talk, 1 week ago the deals were made ... where to from here?  There were lots of tears tonight - her and me - I have expressed my disappointment, and I hate it when she has to go sleep like that and have all these issues in her head when she should be focusing on her school-work ...

Your input, advice, guidance ... comfort, would be greatly appreciated.

Yours in hopefully still a sane state!

Hello bcosIcare

First of I would like to say that you came across as a fantastic mother, very loving and caring  and I think that many single parents could learn from your approach. You do however have to keep in mind that you are in a difficult situation in that you are a single mother trying to raise two teenagers.

I have found that children with a single parent always try and push a little harder than children with both parents living together, and believe me, they can really push the boundries (please correct me anyone if I am wrong here) adolescent rebellion seems to be increasing evry day and this should be a concern for all parents and especially single parents.

Without the complete picture of your family it would be difficult to say whether you should seek professional guidance or not. And to decide to go to a new therapist or the previous one would depend on some factors e.g The relationship between the previous therapist and your daughter (was there a trusting relationship?), also did you feel that there was positive results after your last session with the previous therapist however small, how long have you been with the previous therapist, the type of therapy used and can the therapist adjust the therapy, etc. These are just some of the things you should consider before deciding which route to follow.

Good Luck

oh WOW! Thanks for the speedy feedback (and compliments).  Insofar as the Dr Angel's feedback is concerned, yes it is difficult to really assess the situation with no real 'family history'.  I had absolutely no problems with her first therapist but I think I need to find someone fresh who's going to grab my daughter's attention.  She gets bored very easily and if she knows she going to see that same therapist, she'll sort of already know what to expect and that one thing I'd like to avoid.  Maybe a fresh approach would be better and, she's older now.  My ex-husband and I were going through our worst time then so a fresh approach would probably be better as the focus would be more on 'her, JUST her' as opposed to 'her in the middle of a traumatic divorce'.

As for the response from Epona ... please believe me, balance is one thing I encourage.  Her favourite TV programmes have been taken away during the week only, weekends - she's can turn into a couch-potato and go to bed at midnight but she always passes out around 9 anyway.  Insofar as my 19 year old is concerned, I've not experienced the same behavioural issues with her ... in fact, she's my saving grace (not that I put any pressure on her to be and believe me, I expected the rebellion years but that never happened) but if my little one has a 'problem', she'll go knocking on her sister's door - sister, fortunately, thinks like mommy does ... so the 'advice' from her will appear more hip, but the essence will be in tune with our 'morals'.  Also, I know that my 11 year old 'tells me what I want to hear', I've noticed that quite a while ago and she is aware that she does it but she's also aware that I know that that is what she does.

We do have an amazing relationship - they unfortunately witnessed the abuse I had to endure but we rose above, came out strong (or so I believe).  We party together, we worship together ... we're happy and it is for that reason that I want to do whatever I can for her - for both my daughters for that matter.  Often during our 'trying' times (and when we experienced load-shedding) we'd have our (candle) talks and I remember the once my little one expressing feelings of inadequacy which I encouraged her to discuss with her therapist but it was difficult for her.  She's not too expressive EQ-wise (if there's such a term), she deals with things differently and I embrace that.  But if there is hope in guidance for her, I will help her find it.  She's been 'termed' by her ex-therapist as being impulsive and if she can learn how to consider the consequences of her actions, then - I trust - that the battle will be halfway won.

I can carry on and on and on with writing ... but, lemme leave it here for now.  Once again - I THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT.

Take care, bcosIcare