Hi

I'm new here and Happy to have found this forum.

I am 25yr old woman, have been married for just more than 2yrs now. lately i feel i'm at the lowest point in my life. Nothing matters or makes sense to me anmore. For the first time in my married life I have admitted to myself that i'm not happy. A few days ago i wrote a long letter to my husband (I have always found writing the best way to release my stress) telling him of some of the things that slowly bring me down and fades my enthusiasm for our marriage. There are a lot of things I'm not happy with, but i only gave him those that bring me to tears everyday.

We moved in together about 6months before we got married and he transition was very hard for me. We fought a lot, there was not much sex or talking, but the arrangements for the marriage were already done so i decided then that I will stick to this marriage through thick and thin. I am still comitted to making it work. So much that i have decided it does not matter how hurt or down i feel, i'm not going anywhere. The fact that we have a child now cements that comitment.

The first year of our marriage was not all bad. We had gone through all the fighting, he was a very helpful person around the house and there was no external influences. It was just the two of us and I loved it that way. Then we got pregnant. He was very inconsiderate, i dont even want to think about it.

Now we have a baby, he refuses to help with anything in the house and he always complains about petty things that are not in place. I'm always tired, between baby, him and house chores there is not time to rest, even though we have domestic help. When i try to tell him about it, I endup apologosing. His mother is always dropping hints to him on how his wife should behave and do. It has come to a point where, every time he complains about something i walk away because i cant hold back my tears. I really do not expect him to help in the house, I'm capable of doing everything myself, but it becomes difficult to do anything when he complains aboout everything.

I have tried talking to him about everything but he always zooms in on one specific thing and ingores the rest. I have even learned to not forget the little things he does that hurt me, because i will need to list them to make sure that we do not concentrate on 1 thing. In the end it is me who has to say sorry. He will remind me of how he has fought for us to be married and he regrets it. I always end up feeling sorry for him; i dont know why. You see we have been together since i was 19 and he was 27. All his friends had kids and some were even married then. I guess he felt pressured. So he started asking me to have a baby and i always told him that i will not have kids untill i'm married, but i was not ready to get married yet; so he pushed untill i gave in even though i knew I was not ready for it and knew nothing about marriage. On every argument he will bring this up.

Now i'm at a point where i just dont care anymore. Whether we separate or stay together, it makes no difference to me. If we stay together, he will continue with what he does now; If we separate i will be alone to raise our baby. So either way there is not happiness for me. And i dont know if i can say we got divorced because my husband did not want to help in the house, he complained and critisizeda lot, he never said thank you. it just does not seem valid enough. Maybe the problem is with me; Maybe my expectation on this marriage were not realistic; I dont know.

everyone can see now that i'm not happy. my colleagues ask everyday what is eating me inside. what do i say or do. I still want my marriage to work; I'm still comitted to the promise i made to myself. but i dont know how to make things better; or should i just leave things as they are now?

Hello Llee

The first thing that I notice is that this marriage was doomed even before it started. You got married even when you did not feel ready, not that anyone ever feels ready  but at the very least there should be some positivity in your decision, and your commitment should not be because of stuborness, but because of the love (respect, trust, loyalty, lust, etc) that you share (SHARING being the opperative word). From what I gather it seems that you are only commited because you are a natural fighter and truthfully this will never be enough to make any marriage work.

I think that whatever you decide you have to consider your child and staying with a partner that you are not happy with for the sake of a child will cause more harm than good because of the fighting that you mentioned and fights due tend to escalate into something far more serious if the issues are not tend to immediatly and I think everyone here will agree that growing up in an abusive fighting family is worse that being raised by a single parent.

I really think it is worth-wile for you to speak to your hubby and see if you guys can't agree to try and go see a councelor in your area. Sometimes (well most of the time) it really makes the worlds difference if someone sits down with a 3rd party, someone that will not take sides that might bring some insight and guidance into your relationship. There is quite a few great therapists on this site and I am sure that anyone of them will be happy to assist you depending on your area where you live...

Good luck

Thank you Dr Angel for the reply.

I love him, though i think the love is now burried somewhere under a lot of tears and anger. He is also a very good man, but i feel that he is good to everyone except me. I feel greatly unloved, especially when he stats comparig me with his mother or colleages. I dont know if he still loves me, he hasn't said it in a while now. But respect is very important to me. more important than love and all the other things that bring people together; but i'm not getting that here.

I have mntioned counselling to him; but he is not for it. I have also considered counselling for myself but finances dont really alow for it now. I think i will find a way to pay for counselling because i don want to take our problems to family. I know family will take sides and i need a neutral person who an tell me i have gone crazy, if that is the case.

Hi Llee

You posted a detailed note.  Have thought of state institutions with counselling services.  There money will not be a problem.  The problem may be the waiting list. 

Hoola