Hi Lisa,

How are you?

I have a file saved under your name…the file containing the beginning of my own wonderings, further thoughts, considerations relating to your words…of sentimentality, of literature, of your description on depression being a spell of sort (mentioned in your pm)… It is saved yet uncompleted…saved as memory waiting for the space and emotional strength of becoming a re-memory so as to find its completion…

I am so incredibly strained…everything that needs my attention is ‘un-linked‘; my being is ’un-linked’ in the action of physicality and the intangibility of ‘being’ within the experience of the ‘doing’… Circumstances are so that I cannot ’be’ in the ’doing’.

Over and over again I tell myself, I reiterate that which HAS to keep the ’being’ away from the ’doing’ - “it is what it is, everything is as it is and I am doing what needs to be done”…“this is not of my delusional creations, it is not of my doing or lack thereof…life is life and we do what we can despite the snide comments as we frantically, agonisingly rush past”.

…and yet…I frighteningly lost it last night…expressed in a way that I am not used to…that I manage mostly to deny as a part of my ‘being’. In a rage so agonising -never before seen or even audible to another - I, and with the greatest humiliation of the collapse of all self control was witnessed throwing shelf after shelf of my books onto the floor screaming the lies they contain…the lies contained in the words, the lies of ordering words, thoughts ordered just so onto pages following each other, the lies of compartmentalizing the complex into simply named chapters…the lies of applying the objective to the subjective…the lies of the subjective not lost in the objective. I kicked and screamed with a force that even then frightened me, but now, feels to be devastatingly frightening. He handled me ‘well‘. Yet……..he should not have to do ‘this’…I am ‘this’ and if I cannot accept ‘this’ I cannot accept that he is able to; to take me as I am when ‘this’ is something that I cannot, not now, own as my own…and until then… I don’t know… All I do know is that I cannot ‘indulge’ in ‘this’, in ‘being’ - my energy, every last, audible or not, action needs to be of a focused, emotionally untainted ‘doing’. Tomorrow is Monday. I ‘do’ until Friday. I sleep, again humiliating to admit yet a truth that feels to be vital to my disguised determination, until Sunday evening so as to prepare for the week ahead.

Urgh. I am sorry. This is all so incredibly pathetic…the objective as well as subjective understanding thereof! But @*&# it - I am tired and right now, until tomorrow, this is me…

Focussing! You can find the information needed on LifeLine’s website. If you are based in JHB the 9 week course will cost you R3000.00 - if in Cape Town R1500.00...okay the relevance of my comment here is non-existent but…that is a substantial difference nevertheless! There are a thousand words that I could use to answer your question of my experience thereof but for now they will need to be saved in your file… Hey, if anything, when things are ‘better’ I will send you the words written to you in minded, ordered chapter per chapter!

Please forgive my incompetence at ’acting’ out the thoughts that you have evoked through our discussions…If it be of my choosing and with your permitted patience, I would very much like to add my own words 'onto' the following of yours when I am again able to inhabit my own being….?

Much love

Michelle